Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
