i think i recognize dicks better than faces
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
