so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Randomize
