your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
