I just pynch a tree in the face
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
