my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
