So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
