I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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