I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
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He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
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What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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