I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
