remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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