dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
