i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
