she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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