I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
