I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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