two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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