I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
