ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
