Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
