my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
