I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
