so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
