Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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