you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
