I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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