I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
