The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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