On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
