I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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