can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
