Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
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I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
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Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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