is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
my shit smells like andre
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
