I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
