Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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