It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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