there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You've changed since you got that strap on
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier