I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I cockslap morals
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.