im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
