When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
