last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
