Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
