He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
