I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
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