Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
