Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
