life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
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Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
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I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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