Can i not drive my cunt home
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
