So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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