I wish I could punch you in the face.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
