my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
