: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Little spoons don't ask big questions
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Randomize
