there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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