I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
How external is "for external use only"?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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