I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
