Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
